How to Grieve?
by Lotr-and-Potter
Summary: Legolas' feelings after the death of Mithrandir. Rated because of character death


**Disclaimer:  
**_I own nothing, everything belongs to mister Tolkien, who has created the wonderful fantasy story 'the Lord of the Rings'. I took some lines from the movie as well, as you might notice, they of course belong to Peter Jackson, Fran Walsh and Philippa Boyens._

* * *

**The Grief of an elf…**

When did this happen? Why was Gandalf not with them? Legolas usually knew exactly where every member of the Fellowship was thanks to his elven hieratic. But now, he had lost Mithrandir. As he pushed the two young hobbits up the stairs he looked back to the bridge of Khazad-Dûm and he stopped in his movements. The grey wizard was standing in the middle of the bridge, facing the cursed Balrog.

The prince knew that Mithrandir was a strong istari, even though he had not yet seen the wizard use all his power, but this… Even though he wanted to run his eyes were drawn to the sight in front of him.

"I am the servant of the secret fire, wielder of the flame of Anor. The dark fire will not avail you! Flame of Udûn!"

With a flaming sword the Balrog tries to strike Gandalf, but Mithrandir (quick as he was) managed to parry the blow with Glamdring. The Balrog' sword fell apart and Legolas let go of a breath he did not realize he had been holding, at least that part of this foolish fight had gone well.

"Go Back to the Shadow! You… shall not.. pass!" Gandalf voice carried through the emptiness of the large room and the deep chasm. Legolas looked to his companions, everybody was watching the fight with horror in their eyes and Legolas soon looked back to the scene as well, though in the back in his mind he knew that they had to hurry; away from these cursed mines.

Mithrandir stroke his staff and sword onto the bridge. With a fake sense of relief Legolas saw that the Balrog hesitated, yet it stepped forward anyway. Then to Legolas delight the bridge collapses under it's weight and the demon fell backwards into the chasm, with a growl of defeat. For a moment Gandalf stood leaning on his staff watching as the Demon fell, a moment later he turned to them and Legolas could see that the wizard was weary. Yet the elf was relieved; they had managed to sneak to Moria, noticed, but alive.

He was shocked to see that a flaming whip wounded itself about Mithrandir' ankle, dragging him over the edge. No, this could not be happening.

"Fly, you fools!" that were the last words before he fell into darkness.

There was no time for grief as they all hurried out of the cursed caves. Legolas, was shocked beyond belief, he had never thought of something like that happening to Gandalf. Finally a light could be seen ahead of them and Legolas was glad to feel the sun on his skin again, but seeing the sun also made it real; the wisest of the Istari, the Grey Pilgrim, was dead.

Tears threatened to spill, but Legolas fought them back. He was an elf, and elves were not supposed to cry. Yet a look of disbelief was clearly seen on his face; this simply could not have happened.

"Legolas, get them up," That was Estel, always the one to keep an eye on reality; something that an elf should do, not a human.

Slowly Legolas shook his head; trying to get rid of the sad thoughts that were crossing through his mind. As an elf he wasn't used to seeing people die. Of course; there were the few wounded elves who would die, but those were always carefully kept away from the normal comings and goings in the castle at Mirkwood. Certainly the prince was not bothered with those things. And Legolas was relatively young for his people.

Of course he had been out in the forest with the rangers a couple of times; mostly with Aragorn, but none had died on those little adventures. Orcs; yes he had seen them die but he only found gladness in that for orcs were foul creatures who did not deserve to live.

"Legolas," Aragorn sounded concerned as he looked to his friend, but soon he added, "Gimli, get them up."

With a slight nod Legolas walked over to Merry and Pippin. It made him sad to see the hobbits cry, yet his tears he had hidden, far away. "Come on Pippin, Merry, we have to get going," he whispered softly as he helped the young Periannath up his feet. Merry nodded determinately to him, but Legolas could see the fear and sadness in his eyes. Legolas placed a hand on his shoulder and squeezed it softly, "We can rest as soon as we get in Lothlorien."

And that journey took them longer then Legolas had expected; yes he was on his guard as the almost ran through the landscape but his mind seemed to have lingered in Moria. Over and over he saw the Balrog of Mordor pull the wizard over the edge of the bridge. It had been so close, if Mithrandir had walked away quicker, if he had just walked away immediately, none of this would have happened.

But it had happened. Death; such a strange word for an elf like him. Never had he experienced the death of someone so close to him before. He had met Mithrandir on several occasions in his youth. The wizard had even been his tutor for a little time and the elf had grown to love the man as a second father. And now…

His thoughts were disrupted when he heard a sound around that was not supposed to be heard. A part from the soft footfall of the hobbits, the rough passes of the dwarf, and the two humans he heard something else. Yet he was to late to warn the others as he soon found an arrow pointed towards him; it seemed he wasn't the only one.

"The dwarf breathes so loud we could have shot him in the dark," a familiar voice said. Haldir, the march warden of Lothlorien, was an elf to whom Legolas looked up. Haldir, might not match his skill with the bow, but he was a very good protector of the woods and Legolas had met him several times before as he had accompanied his father on diplomatic missions to the golden elven realm. They were leaded to one of the talans where they stayed for quite some time, guarded by three of the galadrim. Legolas did not know them; or else he would have talked to them. Yet he suspected that Haldir had ordered them not to talk to the strangers, even not to him; the only elf of the company.

Luckily soon Haldir returned.

"Mae Govannen, Legolas Thranduilion," the march warden spoke with reverence as he addressed him. And for a moment Legolas was reminded of the fact that he was and always would be the prince of Mirkwood; royalty in other words. Yet the Fellowship was lucky to have been 'caught' by the march wardens of Lorien; else they would have been captured by the orcs if they would not have managed to find a proper hiding place.

_When evening in the Shire was grey  
his footsteps on the Hill were heard;  
before the dawn he went away  
on journey long without a word. _

From Wilderland to Western shore,  
from northern waste to southern hill,  
through dragon-lair and hidden door  
and darkling woods he walked at will.

"Govannas vîn gwennen le, Haldir o Lórien," Legolas said with a small bow of his own.

With a small smile Haldir turned to Aragorn, "A Aragorn in Dúnedain istannen le ammen,"

As the rest of the conversation developed around him Legolas did not feel the need to interrupt or to voice his thoughts to the others. He faintly heard Aragorn arguing with Haldir, the ranger was begging him to let them enter the woods; there they would be save. And there they would hopefully find some peace for a while. They had been on the road for quite some time now.

Finally they were allowed to enter the woods and Legolas was relieved when he saw Caras Galadhon again. This place indeed was the heart of Elvendom on earth, as Haldir said. The meeting with the lord and lady of Lorien was short, but heartening. Some elves which he had met on the visits with his father had invited him to spend the evening with them, but Legolas did not feel like an evening filled with music and laughter; he wanted to be alone; with the fellowship if needed be.

_With Dwarf and Hobbit, Elves and Men,  
with mortal and immortal folk,  
with bird on bough and beast in den,  
in their own secret tongues he spoke. _

A deadly sword, a healing hand,  
a back that bent beneath its load;  
a trumpet-voice, a burning brand,  
a weary pilgrim on the road.

It did not take long for everybody to settle and Legolas ears perked up as he heard a sad song. He got on his feet and walked into the clearing letting the words fill his mind.

"A lament for Gandalf," he muttered as he looked up to the mallorn trees surrounding them.

"What do they say about him," Merry asked him; Legolas had not intended to speak his thoughts out loud so with a face that spoke of his grief he turned to the young hobbit.

"I have not the heart to tell you. For me the grief is still too near." In silence he walked a bit further, away from the inquisitive hobbits. He loved them dearly, yes that was true, but at this point he could not answer their questions.

He sat in silence for a time, looking out over the forest that he had seen so little. Yet he was remembering the first time that he had met Mithrandir. He had been but a small elfling. As curious as a hobbit and as stubborn as one.

_

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-flashback-_

"_But Ada! I want to go outside!" _

_"No, ion nin, you can't"_

"_But why not? Hathlan is allowed to go!" _

"_Your brother is much older then you, young one, now go to your room and I don't want to hear anymore of this." _

_With a sigh the young elf had retreated to his chambers. It was not fair, his father would let anyone go outside except him. In the elfling' eyes he was just as big as everybody else. With a stubborn sigh Legolas leaned against the chamber door. He was looking to his feet, forgetting about the world around him. _

"_Ah, young prince, why do you look so sad?" _

_It was one of adar's guests who was standing in front of him now, leaning on a beautiful staff. Soon Legolas was on his feet, "Ada won't let me go outside," he said looking to his feet. _

"_That is not such a strange thing," the old man said chuckling. _

"_Yes it is!" Legolas had said, almost just as angry as he had just spoken to his father. _

"_Oooh, then pray tell me why?" The wizard had said, kneeling down so that he could look into the eyes of the elfling. _

"_I… uh… My brother is allowed to go outside…and he's not that much older then me," Legolas said, suddenly afraid that he might have insulted the man by being so angry with him. He had not dared to look into the eyes of the istari. _

"_Legolas," the wizard had said softly while he gently pushed Legolas head up so that he could look into his eyes, "One day you will be allowed to go outside, I'm sure, and then you'll be the best with the bow."_

"_Really?" the prince had said, not quite believing what the man was saying. As the wizard nodded Legolas grinned in relief, "Good, then I will finally be able to win my favourite stone back." _

_With a chuckle the wizard rose to his feet again and then saluted to the prince in greeting, "Goodbye, young Legolas." _

"_Goodbye… uh, who are you?" Legolas finally remembered that he did not even know the man. _

"_Mithrandir, young one."_

"_Goodbye Mithrandir!" _

_-end flashback-_

* * *

Tears were threatening to spill again, and again Legolas fought them back. He had not realized it, but in the time that he had been wandering in his memories the rest of the fellowship had turned to bed, leaving the elf all alone in the semidarkness of Lothlorien. With a slight sigh he got to his feet, startled to see that Aragorn was watching him.

"Rest, Estel," he said softly and he turned to walk away.

_A lord of wisdom throned he sat,  
swift in anger, quick to laugh;  
an old man in a battered hat  
who leaned upon a thorny staff. _

He stood upon the bridge alone  
and Fire and Shadow both defied;  
his staff was broken on the stone,  
in Khazad-dûm his wisdom died.

He heard footsteps following him and turned around just to look into the eyes of the ranger, "What is it?" he said, almost snapped.

"Where are you going?" the ranger asked, pretending not to have heard that Legolas clearly wasn't willing to talk now.

"I'm going for a walk…" the Elf said, raising one eyebrow almost threatening the ranger not to let him go.

"It won't help ease your grief," the man said bluntly. For a long time Legolas stared into the ranger' eyes. No, the human was right. It wasn't going to help them to walk away from his troubles, his grief.

"At this point, Estel, I don't know what might help me…" Legolas said, it was obviously that he was lost. The elf really had no idea what he had to do now. Death was something that he had read about, yes but not something that he had actually experienced first hand. It was not something that he had seen or dealt with before.

Quickly Aragorn led him away from the sleeping fellowship until they were in another clearing; alone.

"Cry," was the simple word that Aragorn said to him as they were standing face to face on the green grass.

Cry… Legolas had not been crying ever since he was a little child. 'Crying is something for humans and little elflings' was the sentence that he had heard so many times out of his father' mouth. "There is no shame in your tears, my friend," Aragorn spoke softly as he laid his right hand on Legolas' shoulder.

And cry he did. He did not know when he started to cry, or how it happened, but after the tears began to lessen he felt relieved. Relieved because he had been able to grief in a proper way. Relieved because he now knew what it felt like to be sad, although he would rather not have find out. Some of the tension that had been present in his body, unknown to him, had fallen away. He was glad that he had not cried alone. As the tears had started to fall Aragorn had embraced him, and so they stood; a man and an elf, both in tears hugging one another.

"hannon lle, meldir," Legolas said as they both had let go of one another. Legolas saw that he wasn't the only one who had cried over a beloved mentor and friend.

_The finest rockets ever seen:  
they burst in stars of blue and green,  
or after thunder golden showers  
came falling like a rain of flowers._

_

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Review please_

_Oh and I'm still looking for a beta-reader!_

_Thanks for your reviews: Invisigoth3, Lyn and Rabid Angel_


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